If life is not overwhelmingly busy, I’d regularly find time to be in nature at least once a week. I’m perceived by friends and family as an independent and strong woman. Perhaps.. that’s the way I have been portraying myself. Yet.. inside of me feels vulnerable, stressed, and lost from time to time. I just don’t like to express my desolation and discontent to the public only because pessimistic energy will bring down those around you.
My quick fix solution to overcome depression is to talk it out to the ones I trust and let myself cry as hard as I can (for the most part.. alone). Still, things don’t usually get better within a day. Any kinds of healing need their time to recover.
Couple of days ago.. I didn’t feel at best about my work life. I was frustrated and blindly judged the person based on one’s ethical values and ignorance. In that very moment, I only see one’s negative sides. It didn’t take me too long to figure out that it was my own problem. I, myself was the cause of this grief. When I witness anyone working negligently or producing sloppy jobs, I feel sick and miserable, especially when that same person have done it multiple times!
Behind the talk with my loved ones, I released my feeling all out… That was probably the first time in I don’t know how many years that anyone had seen me cry.. the considerable amount of crying.. I didn’t feel better right away.. or even on the next day. It was also the first day in months that I missed my morning workout routine.
About my work situation… I’m not in a position where I could easily ask for a day off every so often, unless it’s really reasonable. It’s not that my beloved bosses want to keep me there all the time. Again, it was my problem.. I dislike the fact that they will have to cover my shifts as I want to help them out as much as I can, so that they can take a rest. On that account.. the mental fatigue has never been considered as an appropriate reason for me to request a day off. Oftentimes, I tried to tough it out at work and of course didn’t feel so great, followed by a few mistakes. It was NOT good! I then saw myself becoming one of those who I felt was disrespectful.
Recalling the past event in my head, I couldn’t let it take a toll on me any further. Thanks to the fact that I tend to rebound from depression and anxiety quickly. Hence.. this problem must be solved once and for all. Following the long hours of work and cold showers, I went to bed, forced myself to wake up at 5, and got my exercise routine back to normal. Having tortured myself that way in the morning, I drove to the park and discovered the perfect spot that I could lose myself in thoughts and stay grounded in the backdrop of cinematic ocean waves and bird chirping sounds. I completely zoned out and thought of nothing, just inhaled and exhaled.. Staring blank into a vast ocean and the infinite blue sky, I was aware of the emptiness that occupied the vast room in this chaotic mind…
In fact.. when I told you that I was thinking of nothing and just letting the mind float, I lied… I did reflect on the situation, but this time without anger and other negative sentiments. I soon realized… Given that I couldn’t just tell people to change their views of the world, I might be able to inspire them through my actions and behaviours. It’s almost like a karma effect. People usually react to you based on how you treat them. I noticed that when I flashed a smile to others and talked to them politely, it was almost no way that the persons would be mean to me (unless they’re those exceptional ones). Even in the dreadful situations, I saw no points of raging back at others as it would only have worsened the circumstances.
Our restaurant works with the flow of its process. If you know that the business is going to get busy, you must tell your patrons ahead of time. If you fail to inform them, you must be able to at least say ‘sorry’ genuinely. Surprisingly, some don’t really bother to say ‘sorry’ to customers or coworkers. During the busy time, they don’t seem to balance their emotions well and often raises their voice or judge coworkers in front of everyone. I find this unprofessional. If you aren’t pleased with anyone about anything, you’d better talk to him/her in private.
No one deserves to be humiliated in the crowd.
Healing despair and recovering from stress, I give full credit to the mother earth. Just sinking myself into nature propels me out of my hopeless stage and regain my strength. I could now fathom the idea that I shall treat people around me with courtesy and compassion. Just as I invariably do it with calmness, perhaps.. in the hope that they will somehow get the message and respond to their coworkers, customers, and work with respect.
Until I had reconnected myself with the surrounding, I pulled out my laptop and started writing this post. Words flowed out of nowhere as if they were waiting to be exposed.
Now I can feel my breathing pattern resonating with the present moment…